Tell me...do you know...the secrets of..S44?

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Heartless

My 人缘 is getting from bad to worse.

I don't have great interpersonal skills but i think it doesn't bode well for me when the past FIVE dates I made with friends have been cancelled...by them. I can't blame them, because some do have true valid reasons for backing out. Still. I don't think it's a good sign, given my poor rapport with my colleagues and patients.

The fates (or god? gods? goddesses?) are against me! I'm paying back for all the times I have heartless and decided to pang-seh people last minute.

And talk about being heartless, I think I have a high tolerance for death. My patients who die, that is. No, I don't think I have any latent post traumatic stress disorder. But I'll still need time to get used to see the R.I.P. stamp on a patient's file that I had flipped through days before.

Ah. The joys of covering the oncology/ stroke unit.

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Xiu Juan out
@ |8:05 PM|

Happy 23rd Birthday Ah Pek!!!

Yo Ah Pek!! Even thou u may be far far away in NZ...but u are still rem!! hee..Happy 23rd bdae to you!!

(p.s. sorry ah..re-used my bdae cake picture..muahaha)

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eeynis out
@ |12:00 AM|

When does a medical officer tell you, "It's ok. Don't worry."?

When you have made a mistake, which is of sufficient stupidity and magnitude to justify:

you feeling as though you want to slit your own throat and spurt your blood from the carotid arteries all over the ward to atone for your stupidity
the insane idea of measuring a patient's blood pressure and SpO2 every 30 minutes to ensure that the patient does not expire from your over-enthusiastic intervention
the need to call a fellow colleague (who was in the middle of a meeting) to seek help on how to document on the medical notes to express guilt for an unnecessary intervention without resorting to "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!"
the insane urge to break my bond and sink into debt

In other words, today I made

My first major screw-up

I have been careless. Now I am paying for it.

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Xiu Juan out
@ |11:45 PM|

Once again,

I'm back to the old topic:

-I AM A LAN THERAPIST!- also know as

- I hate my colleagues -
- I hate N*H -
- I HATE MY JOB -
- I am an ignorant, lazy piece of shit -

I am sick of not having enough sleep. Of feeling apathetic in most areas of my life. Of knowing that I'm sinking a slow descent into depression yet too tired to do anything about it. Of commuting to NUH the most barbaric way possible - in which NO ONE gives way to pregnant ladies. Of thinking that I'm slowly turning into one of them.

Of not feeling certain of every patient I see. Of thinking that I've not done enough for a patient. Of worrying that I'm wasting my patient's time and money. Of seeing my patients too slowly. Of the general lack of respect for my profession.

And you, my fellow colleagues. I think most of you are veritable assholes. STOP referring to us as PT/OT. WE ARE NOT THE SAME. Please start recognising my input in the multidisciplinary notes. STOP writing "to continue physio" when I have already documented that I'm the one who has been doing the work. STOP discharging patients on whim. And to the venerable few amongst you - STOP treating me like shit because I'm a newcomer. STOP putting up a nice front and say snide things behind my back. I WILL BITE YOUR HEAD OFF WHEN I AM SUFFICIENTLY POWERFUL AND PISSED.

WAHAHAHAHAHA. Go to hell.

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Xiu Juan out
@ |12:16 PM|

hmm.

Just when I thought the hectic ( and I'm still in orientation!) work schedule has annihilated all my passion for OT, I met a patient who snapped me out of doomed indifference. I used to think that the bulk of satisfaction coming from my work would come from interacting with patients, but come to think of it, I realised job satisfaction for me comes from seeing patients who inspire me to want to try harder.

I think it's very strange how inspiration works. Like I can't exactly see the logic of it. Some people will say, "Oh I feel encouraged when I see my patients smile" or "When patients thank me, I will feel that it's all worth it"- which all made perfect sense since there is some form of a reward system. For me, the main jolting moments that I have experienced both as a student and a green therapist are:

When a patient, rendered partially paralysed and incapable of speech by a brain tumour, tried to write his name and struggled not to cry when he realised that he could no longer do so.
A patient who was to be informed that his cancer cells has spread by a team of doctors at a scheduled time. Although I was not present when the doctors did so, at that point of time -I knew when the doctors would inform him- I did think, "As I am going about doing my work, somebody's life is going to change".
When I was seeing a patient to make suggestions for his home environment, he told me that he didn't receive good news from the doctors that morning. I was going to see other patients, but I thought, 'whatever. I'm just going stay and talk to this patient' and spent the next 30 minutes talking about his previous occupation ( he was a fisherman). It's totally unrelated to what I do for work but I think that was the best treatment I ever thought up.
A patient whom I have avoided seeing as he was quite unkempt ( think: incontinent) and progressive dementia. When I dropped by to see him on a free slot he said, "it's so nice of you to come by to talk to me." I felt sooooo guilty by his words.

Really. What's the point of being efficient, of doing the most things in the shortest time, when voices are not heard? Sometimes I think I don't care about being a "good" therapist by industrial sandards. But then, I have to survive somehow, right?

Screw this system. I don't want to discharge my patients with any regrets.

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Xiu Juan out
@ |8:03 PM|

hmm.

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Xiu Juan out
@ |8:03 PM|

Milestone

Just checked my elearning desk. High distinctions have eluded me yet again, but I have officially graduated! I will be a practising therapist in 3 days!

Good things to note about work:

A much more routine lifestyle
Many more opportunities to save
Growing CPF
Plenty of time to acquaint myself with the local public transport
My white coat that's too big - to delude me into thinking that I'm slimmer ( Darn those NZ muffins!)
Opportunities to stay in private ward when I'm hospitalised
Complimentary vaccinations
Complimentary GP consultations

Cognitive re-structuring works!

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Xiu Juan out
@ |6:26 PM|

Finishing them off

Finishing my assignments slowly... is a bit like ... going in slowly for the kill.

I can't wait.

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Xiu Juan out
@ |7:17 PM|

Contributors

Heartless

Happy 23rd Birthday Ah Pek!!!

When does a medical officer tell you, "It's ok. Don't worry."?

Once again,

hmm.

hmm.

Milestone

Finishing them off